Squirrel Madness

Squirrels disgust me. The beady eyed rat creatures have been plotting against me for years. It hasn’t always been this way. I never even used to think about squirrels. We didn’t have very many at my childhood home. So the occasional squirrel was seen as cute little guest from out of town. After two years at Greenville College though, I had a healthily dislike for Squirrels of the grey variety. They walked around the campus like they owned the place. Munching on nuts and discarded tidbits from messy students. A trio of squirrels made the lovely old tree out side our housing their love nest. Our giant picture window was like squirrel-a -vision. Unfortunately the only channel was “ How to make baby Squirrels.” So when I left Greenville I left the grey squirrels behind and was ready to continue my life with the more prudish brown squirrels.

The problem is that the brown squirrels are gluttons.

Justin and I got married a few months after leaving school. We moved in to our rented house and began life as a married squirrel free couple. I had developed a love for birds of all kinds and decided that I would feed the birds in my front yard so I could watch them. The new food source caused a lone squirrel to wonder over into our yard. He emptied our bird feeder in a matter of minutes. He did this two or three times when I decided that if I fed the red rodent in the back yard that he would leave the birds feed alone in the front. I was wrong...Very very wrong.

I got a few ears of corn and placed them in the back yard. After filling the feeders I went shopping. When I returned I noticed right away that the feeder was empty. Little forlorn Cardinals, Dark Eyed Juncos, and darling Chickadees scratched the ground for remnants of a meal they were not invited to. I was mad. In fact I lost my mind. I marched into the back yard to the pile of corn, and found five squirrels munching greedily on the golden kernels. They giggled at me as I approached, and this is where the squirrel madness began. In an instant I lost all rational thought and began yelling at the squirrels like they were naughty children. “ How dare you!” I screamed with emotion. I put this corn out for you Mr. squirrel. I NEVER said you could invite your little friends. How dare you!!! You ate my bird feed too. You gluttonous squirrel pigs! Those poor birds are so hungry you selfish jerks!!!” At this point I was on a roll I had forgotten that I was in my back yard in full view of my neighbors. The squirrels were even staring at me in disbelief. Their little furry cheeks were stuffed with corn, and bits of bird seed stuck to their little squirrel hands.

When I finally stopped to take a breath I heard my neighbor asked sheepishly. “Amelia? Are you ok over there?” “Umm yeah.” I answered. I couldn’t turn around to look at him. I was so embarrassed. I was screaming at glorified rats. I turned slowly to face my neighbor. “Squirrel problems?” He asked with a grin. “Yeah,” I replied, “ I don’t think got through to them .” My neighbor laughed and hollered over his shoulder as he walked away. “Try yelling in French next time, These squirrels don’t speak English.”

We only have a single Squirrel living on our new property. He is overweight and likes to clean himself in the tree outside our sliding glass door. I named him Philip and have learned to accept him. I still fear retribution when I hit one with the car. Large packs of squirrels seem to sit out side my home and watch me through the windows after these unfortunate events. These high flying jungle rodents are creepy little things but on the other hand things could be worse. I could live in a grove of nut trees.