Technically TMI

Disclaimer!!! The following is most definitely “To Much Information” My husband thinks that discussing my body issues for a laugh is wrong. I,on the other hand, am totally ok with embarrassing myself for laugh. I do it with pride. So with that said read this at your own risk.


My tummy has never been very nice to me. I have had problems with my lower half of my digestive system since Jr. High and I have learned to live with it. We gave my “issues” cute names like “Drowning a Cat” or “Christening the bathroom”. In fact I have probably have Drowned cats and Christened 90% of the bathrooms in Illinois. In college I was told by a friend that I have IBS. In other words my bowels hate me and must seek their revenge at every possible opportunity. I learned how to avoid certain foods to make my tummy behave.

“Thou shall not mix thee Dairy products. Thou must only eat one cow produced product a day.”
“Thou shall stay away from any thing butterscotch”
“Thou shall not partake in thine succulent shellfish.”
“Thou shall think twice before eating a very rich desert.”
“Thou shall not eat anything too tasty or wonderful.”
“Thou shall eat stale cardboard, fiber enriched roughage, and imodium AD tablets.”

There are times when I WANT to eat something even though it will most likely make me terribly ill.

Case in point. RED LOBSTER. I love sea food. LOVE LOVE LOVE. I crave it, but unfortunately most sea food causes my tummy to send out it’s digestive commandos for an attack. I was invited to RED LOBSTER with a bunch of my church friends one night to celebrate a friend of mine leaving for the navy. Free sea food is hard to resist so I decided to ignore my tummy and enjoy a huge meal of sea food, cheesy potatoes, and biscuits. I even think we had some wonderfully cheesy appetizer too. It was a beautiful meal. We had fun and talked and suddenly I began to feel bad. I (even though the tummy was warning me to stop) topped off the meal with a rich dessert. We sat and talked for a while more, and things went from bad to worse. My lower half started making terrible noises. Loud growling and bubbling noises. People from neighboring tables began to stare. I acted like it wasn’t me and even cast some disgusted looks to the man at the table next to us. I sat there as long as I could . I smiled and made polite conversation, but I wasn’t going to be able to hang on much longer. I was miserable, and I really didn’t know what to do. The bathroom at RED LOBSTER is always filled to the brink because of all the people waiting on tables. I really didn’t want to have to “Drowned a cat” in front of an audience, but after a half an hour of torture I gave in. “ I am going to run to the restroom really quick,” I said with a smile. Suddenly all the girls at the table needed to go too.

DEAR GOD WHY MUST WE PEE IN PACKS!

I wanted to scream, but I at that moment my mind was focused on making it to the restroom in one piece. I had been right to worry about the bathroom being full. Every stall was full and there was a long line. I said nothing about being sick because I didn’t want to bring attention to myself. I knew what lay ahead and I was determined that no one knew it was me. We waited from almost 5 minutes and when a stall became free I quickly entered. Unfortunately my friends followed me and sat on either side of me.

I sat there for a bit praying to God that this is the most quite attack ever. Strike them all deaf so I can poo in peace, but it was not to be. I exploded. small children screamed in fear of the noises emanating from my stall. Women ran from the bathroom and jumped from windows. There was a small earthquake in Indonesia, and the Berlin wall rebuilt it’s self and then tore itself down again. When it ended the entire room was silent. I was horrified. To top it all off I had chosen the stall WITHOUT toilet paper. After a all that I was going to have to ask someone for TP!! Dear God will this ever end!! I took a deep breath and said “Excuse me I am out of toilet paper, can you pass me a square?” A small voice answered from the stall next door,” Here honey... Have the whole roll.”